Homer-coming
by Steve Sutton
Summary: Voyager lands in Springfield, USA!


STAR TREK: VOYAGER  
"Homer-coming"  
by Steve Sutton 

Guest Stars:  
Leonardo DiCaprio as Ensign D'Sposable  
Brad Pitt as Ensign Throwaway  
And the residents of Springfield, USA, as themselves 

(In the mess hall, Neelix is stirring a big pot of steaming broth. Seven of Nine enters and sits down at a table across from the kitchen. Neelix looks up from the broth and sees her.)  
Neelix: Good morning, Seven. How are we today?  
Seven: We are fine, Neelix. I would like something to eat.  
Neelix (filling a bowl with the broth): Right, I'll be right with you.  
(Seven squirms in her seat. Neelix gives the bowl to a waiting ensign.)  
Neelix (to ensign, somewhat over-enthusiastically): Enjoy!  
(The ensign nods and walks off. Neelix removes a meatloaf from the oven. He, then, cuts a slice and puts it on a plate.)  
Neelix: Today, I thought we'd try something a little more substantial than what you've been eating. It's an old Earth dish called meatloaf. It's very nutritious and rich in just the thing you need, protein.  
(Neelix brings Seven the slice of meatloaf and sets it down in front of her. She stares at it for a few seconds.)  
Seven (disgusted): I'd rather have the Jell-O.  
Neelix: Oh, sure, it might not look like the best thing in the world, but just wait 'til you taste it!  
Seven (pausing): Very well.  
(Seven picks up the fork and takes a bite from the meatloaf.)  
Neelix (waiting): Well?  
Seven: It has an unusual texture.  
Neelix: And?  
Seven (looking up at Neelix): The taste is not entirely disagreeable.  
Neelix (smiling): Then you like it?  
(Seven swallows and takes another bite.)  
Seven: It is acceptable.  
(Neelix takes a few happy steps backward, then returns to the kitchen to tend to waiting patrons. On the Bridge, Kim's console beeps.)  
Kim: Captain, I'm picking up a disturbance directly ahead.  
Janeway: Acknowledged, Ensign. Slow to impulse.  
(As the ship comes out of warp, a wavy, spherical refraction of star light appears in front of it.)  
Paris: What the...  
Kim (operating console): Checking. It's not a cloaked ship, Captain. It appears to be some kind of spatial refraction.  
Tuvok: Confirmed, Captain. It is not a vessel, but a naturally-occurring phenomenon.  
Kim: Didn't I just say that?  
(Tuvok looks annoyed.)  
Janeway: Life signs?  
Kim: Sensors are having trouble penetrating the disturbance, Captain, but there is something, very weak.  
Janeway: Very well. Full stop, Tom. Let's take a closer look.  
Paris: Aye, Captain, full stop.  
(The ship comes to a halt. Naomi Wildman enters the Bridge and looks at the viewscreen.)   
Naomi (cutely): Ah, a spatial refraction. Maybe we can send out a tachyon pulse to invert it so we can get home speedy-quick.  
Paris (jumping up from his seat and whipping out a phaser): DESTROY THE WESLEY CLONE! DESTROY THE WESLEY CLONE!  
Naomi: Okay, I was just figuring...  
Tuvok: All handphasers set to maximum!  
Kim (setting his handphaser): Got it.  
Naomi: It's just that, if we...  
Janeway: Fire!  
(Everybody with a phaser fires, and Naomi Wildman goes poof.)  
Paris (sitting down, grinning): I feel better now.  
Tuvok: Indeed. The last thing this show needed was a dose of 'cute'.  
Kim: Yeah, I can see it now: 'Full House: Voyager'.  
Janeway: I'll be damned if I'm going to let a cute, obnoxious child solve all our problems every week.  
(Kim smiles at Janeway, then glances at the viewscreen, gets all excited by what he sees and wets his pants.)  
Kim: Captain!!! The refraction!!!  
(Everybody looks at the viewscreen and are completely shocked by what they see. Rising up over the lower horizon of the refraction is the ghostly image of half of a blue and white planet, a planet which they all know so well.)  
Janeway (standing up, barely able to speak): Earth!  
-----  
COMMERCIAL BREAK 

-COMING SOON TO UPN, A VERY SPECIAL MOVIE EVENT-  
(The theme to Gone With The Wind plays.)  
Doctor Lynch: So, what exactly are we talking about here? Weeks? Months?  
Johnny: Over four years, doc. It's been awhile.  
-A HEART-WRENCHING STORY FROM THE DIRECTOR OF THE GODFATHER-  
(Johnny falls off the toilet, screaming in agony.)  
-THE TRAGIC STORY OF ONE MAN'S BATTLE WITH CONSTIPATION-  
Doctor Lynch: You've got to PUSH, Johnny! Push!  
Johnny: I...I CAN'T!  
Mary: Johnny! 

I'll Crap Tomorrow 

Starring Dustin Hoffman and Bette Midler 

Coming soon to UPN  
-----  
(In the cargo bay, Seven of Nine is regenerating in her alcove. She suddenly opens her eyes and sees two rabid, snarling, Borgified Doberman pinschers running towards her in slow motion. As they leap to bite her face off, she wakes up with a jerk, and that metal, Borg, flower thing pops out of the side of her face. She, then, leaves her alcove and exits the cargo bay. On the Bridge, Janeway is pacing back and forth, trying to decide what to do next.)  
Janeway: Can we hail Starfleet?  
Tuvok: No, Captain. The refraction refracts any signal we try to send through it.  
Kim: What about using the transporters, like we did before with that Romulan?  
Janeway: Even if we could modify them enough to work in a refractive field, there's no way to compensate for the distortion of the matterstream.  
Kim: Um...  
Janeway: It won't work, Harry.  
Kim: Ah.  
Paris: Well, if nothing else works, we could always just fly right through it.  
Janeway: Good idea, Bridge to Sickbay.  
Doctor: Go ahead.  
Janeway: Doctor, we're considering taking the ship through a spatial refraction that we've come across.  
Doctor: I see, and you want my medical opinion as to how it will affect the crew?  
Janeway: Yes, Doctor.  
Doctor: Unless everyone suddenly turns into energy-based life-forms, it shouldn't affect them at all, since solid matter cannot be refracted. I, on the other hand, will have to be deactivated until we emerge on the other side.  
Janeway: Understood. Go ahead and deactivate yourself, Doctor.  
Doctor: But, I'm in the middle of doing nothing. Can't this wait?  
Janeway: I'm afraid not. Steve only has about thirty hours left of free Internet access that came with his new computer, so, if he's going to finish this parody in time to post it on the Slightly Warped Star Trek website, the plot needs to be moving forward. Simply put, Doctor, I'm sure the readers don't really want to read about me trimming my toe nails while we're waiting   
on you.  
Doctor: Well, there's no need to be rude.  
Janeway: My apologies, Doctor. I'm just upset because Steve doesn't have enough time to make this a truly exceptional parody.  
Doctor (in Sickbay): Apology accepted, Captain. I'm sure he's doing his best. Computer, deactivate emergency medical holographic program.  
(The Doctor vanishes. In Neelix's quarters (yes, he has quarters), Neelix is asleep, dreaming Talaxian dreams. The room is unexpectedly illuminated when light from the adjacent corridor enters via his locked door suddenly becoming unlocked, and sliding open. A dark, silhouetted figure enters, moves quietly to his bedside, grabs him by the hair, yanks his head up and sticks a knife to his throat.)  
Neelix: Whaaaa--  
Seven: You will make us meatloaf, or you will die.  
Neelix (overwhelmed): Wha--, of course, I mean...  
(Seven drags him out of bed and forces him out into the corridor. On the Bridge, everything is groovy.)  
Tuvok: All decks report ready, Captain.  
Janeway (sitting down): Very well, shields up. Tom, take us through.  
(Paris fiddles with the controls and Voyager goes forward, into the refraction. The ship starts to shake violently, several explosions occur in different areas of the Bridge and Kim's console starts to beep wildly.)  
Janeway (hair messed up): Report!  
Kim: Our shields are being refracted, Captain! The energy is impacting on all systems!  
Janeway (panicking): Drop the shields! Drop the shields!  
(The explosions stop.)  
Tuvok: Shields are down.  
Janeway: How long until we clear the refraction?!  
(Voyager clears the refraction. The shaking stops.)  
Janeway: Never mind, damage report.  
Tuvok: The usual, Captain.  
Janeway: That bad, huh?  
Tuvok: Affirmative.  
(Chakotay enters the Bridge and delivers some reports to Janeway.)  
Chakotay: Here are those reports you wanted on Ensign Cha-Cha's sex life, Captain. Sorry it took so long, but...  
(Chakotay looks at the viewscreen and sees Earth.)  
Chakotay: Uh, is that what I think it is?  
Paris (noticing the planet): Captain, it worked! We're home!  
Janeway (standing up): Could it be true? Confirm our location, Mister Paris!  
Paris: Confirmed, Captain. Our current coordinates match the coordinates of Earth. We're home!  
Janeway: Hail Starfleet Command!  
Tuvok: Hailing Starfleet.  
(An awed hush fills the Bridge.)  
Tuvok: No response, Captain.  
Janeway: Open a channel.  
Tuvok: Open.  
Janeway: This is Captain Kathryn Janeway of the starship Voyager to anyone receiving this transmission, please respond.  
(There is no response.)  
Kim: Something odd, Captain. According to these readings, we're in another dimension.  
(Everyone looks at each other.)  
Janeway: What!?  
Kim (shouting): I said we're in another dimension!  
Janeway: I heard you the first time, Ensign.  
Paris: That explains why no one's answering our hail.  
Kim: Also, we seem to have gone back in time three hundred years.  
Janeway: Again?  
Chakotay: How convenient.  
Tuvok: Confirmed, Captain. It is now the late twentieth century, the year 1999, to be precise.  
Janeway: So, what you're saying is that we aren't home.  
Tuvok: Correct.  
Torres (over comm system): Torres to Bridge.  
Janeway: Go ahead, B'Elanna.  
Torres: I don't know how it did it, Captain, but the refraction weakened the structural integrity of the hull when we passed through it.  
Janeway (alarmed): Weakened it? How?  
Torres (cautiously): I don't know, Captain.  
Janeway: Right, you said that. Mister Kim, what's the status of the hull?  
Kim: Still in one piece, Captain, but I'm detecting several micro-fractures forming along the surface.  
Tuvok: Captain, unless those micro-fractures are sealed, they will continue to spread and grow until they begin to threaten the integrity of the hull.  
Janeway: Good, at least we don't have to worry about a breach.  
Tuvok (befuddled): I fail to understand the reasoning behind that conclusion, Captain. A hull breach would seem to be the unavoidable result.  
Janeway: Tuvok, correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't you just say that the micro-fractures would stop when they started to threaten the hull's integrity?  
Tuvok: I did not. My exact statement was...  
(Tuvok's console beeps.)  
Tuvok: Captain, we are receiving a transmission from the surface.  
Janeway: Fine, but first thing's first. Do we have to worry about the hull breaching?  
Tuvok (annoyed): Yes, Captain.  
Janeway: Very well, that's all I wanted to know. Put the transmission on the viewscreen.  
Tuvok: On-screen, Captain.  
(A television reporter holding a microphone appears on the viewscreen, while a fat, bald man is swearing and kicking a lawnmower behind him.)  
Kent Brockman: Hello, this is Kent Brockman, reporting live from Evergreen Terrace, where a mister Homer Simpson has somehow managed get his foot caught in the sharp, mangling blades of his lawnmower.  
Janeway: Mister Brockman, this is Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Federation starship Voyager.  
(Kent stares silently into the camera for a few seconds, with a passive look on his face, then turns his eyes to look at someone off-screen.)  
Kent (mumbling): Is this some kind of joke?  
Janeway: No joke, Mister Brockman. We are currently in orbit around your planet. Can we be of assistance?  
(Kent stares silently into the camera for a few seconds, with a passively-annoyed look on his face, then brightens up for the rest of the viewing audience.)  
Kent: Anyway, Mister Simpson, just how did you manage to get yourself into this life-threatening situation?  
Homer (ignoring Kent and continuing to kick the lawnmower):YOU...STUPID...MOWER...I OUGHT'A...STUPID...STUPID...KICK...TRASH HEAP...STUPID...!!!  
Kent: Obviously in too much pain to speak, Mister Simpson continues to stain this reporter's pants with blood from several exposed veins.  
Janeway: Mister Brockman, if I could just have a moment of your time.  
(Kent stares silently into the camera for a few seconds, with an annoyed look on his face, then drops the microphone.)  
Kent (walking off): I can't work like this. They can just call the weekend guy if they're going to pull this stuff on me while I'm on the air. It's bad enough that they do it to me in the middle of the night when I'm sleeping.  
(Kent's ramblings fade into obscurity, then the viewscreen goes blank.)  
Paris: Charming fellow.  
Torres (over comm system): Torres to Bridge.  
Chakotay: Go ahead.  
Torres: Would you please slap Tom the next time he says that?  
Chakotay: Acknowledged, B'Elanna. Bridge out. You know, Tom, that is getting a bit old.  
Paris: Hey, can I help it if the writers won't let me shut up?  
Janeway: It's not your fault, Tom. Status of the hull, Mister Kim.  
Kim: No change, Captain. The micro-fractures are still spreading.  
Chakotay: I suggest landing, Captain. At least, the atmosphere of the planet will help to equalize the pressure on the hull. Hopefully, that'll buy us some time to make repairs.  
Janeway: Good idea. Mister Paris, vent plasma from the nacelles and engage atmospheric thrusters and set a course for the source of the transmission.  
Paris (suavely): Yes, ma'am.  
Torres (over comm system): Torres to Bridge.  
Janeway: Yes, Lieutenant?  
Torres: Permission to decapitate Paris and show him his severed body the next time...  
Janeway (looking at Paris): Granted.  
(Paris gulps. Kim smiles and glances at Janeway.)  
Janeway (looking at viewscreen): Blue alert.  
(Voyager is seen entering the atmosphere.)  
-----  
COMMERCIAL BREAK 

(Bill Clinton is seen sitting at his desk with the American flag behind him.)  
Bill: Hello, I'm Bill Clinton. I'm not a real president, but I play one on TV. Please watch my sexual exploits on the CBS drama, CBS Evening News, seen daily at 6:30pm, Eastern time. It has everything you, the American public, expect. Sex, scandal...  
(The tape stops as the video technician running things realizes his boo-boo. It, then, speeds up and plays in reverse for a second or two, then nothing but dead air is seen for the next 90 seconds.)  
-----  
(Voyager is seen going through the radiation belt. Inside, everything is shaking.)  
Janeway (covered with sweat): Why is it so hot in here?  
Tuvok: The most likely explanation is that you did not give the order to raise the shields before we entered the atmosphere.  
Janeway: But it was my understanding that initiating any kind of alert automatically raises the shields.  
Tuvok: Captain, while we are discussing this, the ship is being further damaged by the heat belt of the planet.  
Janeway: Acknowledged, raise shields.  
(Tuvok fiddles with his console and the shields come on. The shaking decreases in intensity.)  
Tuvok: Shields are up, Captain.  
Janeway (fanning herself): Remind me to refresh myself in starship operations.  
(Beverly slaps Wesley.)  
Beverly (grinning): Sorry, I just can't get enough of that.  
(Beverly and Wesley vanish in a puff of continuity.)  
Kim: Well, that was weird.  
Paris: Captain, we're coming out of it.  
(The shaking stops, and the city of Springfield, USA, can be seen far below on the viewscreen.)  
Janeway: Ship's status.  
Kim: Still in one piece, Captain. We made it.  
Janeway: Good. Tom, set us down somewhere outside of town. I don't want to attract any attention while we make repairs.  
Paris: Yes, Captain.  
(On the ground, a large group of people, near Moe's Tavern, is watching Voyager's descent.)  
Barney: Wow, what is it?!  
Moe: Look, it's coming down near the old mill!  
Lenny: What are we waiting for? Let's go!  
(Not far away, Chief Wiggum is sitting in his patrol car, eating a doughnut, when an announcement comes over the radio.)  
Radio: Attention all cars, attention all cars: brain-sucking aliens landing at the old mill. That is all.  
Wiggum: Brain-sucking aliens! Good God!  
(Wiggum grabs the radio's microphone, but is unable to get a firm grip on it and it bounces around in his hands, occasionally hitting his doughnut. This goes on for about ten seconds, until he finally gives up and lets it drop.)  
Wiggum: Ah, the hell with it.  
(Wiggum hits the gas and speeds away. Meanwhile, elsewhere in Springfield, Nelson is busy beating up Milhouse when Bart notices Voyager in the sky.)  
Bart (pointing at Voyager): Hey, look, a UFO!  
(Nelson looks up for a few seconds, then shrugs it off and resumes beating up Milhouse. In another part of town, Kent is driving back to the television station, listening to the radio, when the Emergency Broadcast System's tone interrupts the broadcast.)  
Kent (unenthusiastically): Oh, great. What now?  
Radio Announcer (panicking): This is not a test! I repeat, this is NOT a test! We've just had several reports of hideous, brain-eating aliens from another galaxy landing in downtown Springfield!  
(In downtown Springfield, all is quiet. Birds are chirping. Back in the Channel Six news van, Kent is really starting to get miffed. Voyager can be seen in the distance behind him as it descends into view and slowly gains on him. Kent is, of course, oblivious to it.)  
Radio Announcer: These invaders are intent on eating you and your children! You are advised to stay in your homes! Do NOT attempt to leave town, unless you are already on the road and near the city limits! Lock all your doors and windows and go to the lowest floor of your home, such as the basement! If you don't have a basement, go to a room in the center part of your home, such as a closet or bathroom! Facing the wall, get under a sturdy object, sit on the floor, put your head between your knees and cover it with a pillow...  
Kent: What the...  
(Kent is completely taken by surprise as Voyager roars by, passing directly over him. He swerves and the van begins to spin out of control. He can be seen being thrown from the van just before it hits a tree and explodes. Kent hits the ground hard as the van explodes in the background. After a few seconds, he gets to his feet.)  
Kent (panicking): Omigod! Omigod! Omigod!  
(Kent scampers around for a bit, then runs off to parts unknown.)  
Janeway (on the Bridge): Was that really necessary, Tom?  
Paris: Hey, I got bored.  
Janeway: Extend landing struts.  
Paris: Aye, Captain.  
(The landing struts come out of the bottom of the ship.)  
Paris: Struts down and locked.  
Kim: Captain, we've got a problem. There appears to be a large crowd gathering at the landing site. If we try to land, there could be injuries.  
Janeway: So much for sneaking in the back door. Well, since they know we're here, there's no point in landing way out here. Tom, turn the ship about and set us down in the center of town. That way, if we need anything, we won't have to walk several miles.  
Paris: Aye, Captain, coming about.  
Tuvok: Starfleet would not approve of this course of action, Captain. Landing a Federation starship in the center of a town three hundred years in Earth's past clearly constitutes a breach of timeline protocol, as well as a violation of the Prime Directive.  
Janeway: Tuvok, they already know we're here. What difference does it make now where we land? Besides, this is another dimen--  
(An unacknowledged ensign suddenly grabs his throat, screams in pain and terror, then implodes and vanishes.)  
Chakotay: Ensign D'Sposable!  
Janeway (alarmed): What happened?  
Chakotay: I was looking at him, I was looking right at him, then he just wasn't there!  
(Everyone looks at Chakotay as if there were something wrong with him.)  
Paris (accusingly): What do you mean you were looking at him?  
Chakotay: Sorry, Captain. I sometimes do that when I don't take my medication.  
(Everyone continues to look at Chakotay as if there were something wrong with him. His face starts to turn red from embarrassment.)  
Chakotay (loosening his collar): Harry, your report?  
(Kim just stares at him.)  
Janeway (looking at the viewscreen): It should be noted that we, in the twenty-fourth century, have learned to accept people for what they are, and not to pass judgement on those who have sexual preferences which differ from our own. The simple fact that these people should be publicly burned at the stake and their charred carcasses be staked to the ground and left to rot in the middle of a hot desert is beside the point. What really matters is that we all have a common origin and are all, essentially, the same.  
(An odd stillness fills the Bridge.)  
Janeway (looking around): I'm sorry, was that out-loud?  
(On Evergreen Terrace, Homer Simpson is being loaded into an ambulance, with his leg still stuck in the lawnmower. Marge is holding Maggie and standing next to him, along with Lisa.)  
Marge (upset): Homer, you realize this never would've happened if you had just taken the time to tie your shoe laces first.  
Homer: But, Marge, it's Saturday. Tying my shoe laces is something I do when I have to go to work. I don't want to do it when I don't have to.  
(Marge groans. The paramedics close the back of the ambulance, get in and drive off, siren blaring.)  
Lisa (looking up at Marge, with concern): Is dad going to be okay?  
Marge: Sure, honey, they'll take good care of him at the hospital...like always.  
(Marge goes back into their house with Maggie. Lisa stands quietly, pondering her father's imminent demise, for a few seconds, until Voyager roars by overhead.)  
Lisa: Oh, my god! A spaceship! Mom!  
(Lisa runs into the house and slams the door behind her.)  
Lisa: Mom, there's a big spaceship outside!  
Marge: Sure, honey, a spaceship.  
(An awkward pause fills the air.)  
Marge: Do you need to see a therapist?  
Lisa (quieter, with anger): No, I do not need to see a therapist.  
Marge: Okay, dear. Lunch will be ready in a few minutes, call your brother.  
(Marge goes into the kitchen. Lisa stands in silent anger until...)  
Lisa: Of course! Bart!  
-----  
COMMERCIAL BREAK 

(Sally Struthers appears on an African beach in a bikini. The camera breaks.)  
-----  
(Voyager lands in front of the town hall, crushing the statue of Jebediah Springfield. Mayor Quimby runs to a window and pulls up the Venetian blinds.)  
Quimby: Oh my god, it's those aliens! Quick, everybody to the secret bomb shelter!  
Secretary: We don't have a secret bomb shelter, sir. You spent all the money for it on that trip to the Cayman Islands last year.  
Quimby (pausing, in shock): Oh, [bleep].  
(The blinds drop. At Burns Manor, Burns is sitting at the far end of a long table in a large, dark, formal dining room, noisily sipping soup. Smithers is standing next to him, wearing a chef's hat and apron, smiling weakly.)  
Smithers: I hope you like it, sir. I spent all day preparing it just the way you like it.  
Burns (spitting out soup): Smithers, I specifically asked for Chicken Noodle, this is Chicken and Stars!  
Smithers: Um, yes, sir. They were out of Chicken Noodle.  
Burns (pushing soup away): Bah! Take it away!  
(Smithers picks up the bowl and takes it back to the kitchen. Burns frowns for a few seconds, then goes into his den and sits down on a sofa in front of a huge 200-inch television mounted in the wall.)  
Burns (picking up the remote): Ah, television! Bathe me in your radioactive warmth!  
(Burns clicks the remote and a laser shoots out of it and zaps a monkey standing next to the TV. The monkey lets out a yelp, then turns the TV on. Burns looks on as his face is illuminated by the brightening glow of the set. The monkey, unable to stand the intensifying brightness, shields its eyes and runs away. Kent Brockman's voice can be heard over the set as the brightness gradually dissolves into an image of him sitting behind his news desk.)  
Kent (cheerfully): ...And, to recap, our new Lords and Masters arrived in front of Town Hall earlier today, wisely choosing to crush the statue of our town founder, Jebediah Springfield, with their spaceship, as they landed. On behalf of the residents of our little community, I would like to extend a hearty welcome to our new conquerors, and pledge our undying support to them and whatever painful experiments they care to exact on us.  
Burns: Bah, I've already seen this one!  
(Burns clicks the remote again to change the channel, but nothing happens.)  
Burns (getting up): Now, where the blazes is that monkey off to now? Here, monkey, monkey...  
(On the Bridge, everything is spiffy.)  
Paris: Captain, I think we hit something when we touched down.  
Janeway (turning to Kim): Harry?  
Kim: I don't know, looks like some kind of concrete, or something. Maybe, the remains of a statue, no damage.  
(Ensign Wildman enters the Bridge.)  
Wildman: Um, hi. Has anyone seen Naomi, lately?  
Janeway: No, not lately. Chakotay?  
Chakotay: I saw her a few hours ago on deck eleven.  
Wildman: Okay, thanks. I'm sure she'll turn up.  
(Wildman leaves.)  
Janeway (smirking): Don't bet on it.  
Chakotay: Captain?  
Janeway: Commander, I think it's time that we made contact with these people. I want you and Neelix to accompany me on the away team. We leave immediately.  
Chakotay: Understood. Chakotay to Neelix.  
(There's no response.)  
Chakotay: Neelix, respond.  
(Still nothing.)  
Janeway: Computer, locate Mister Neelix.  
Computer: Mister Neelix is in the mess hall.  
Janeway (getting up, motioning to Tuvok): Tuvok.  
(Janeway, Chakotay and Tuvok exit the Bridge. A few minutes later, they arrive in the mess hall and find Neelix lying on the floor, unconscious.)  
Chakotay (shaking Neelix): Neelix, wake up.  
Neelix (waking up): But I don't want to make any more meatloaf! I'm...  
Janeway: Neelix, snap out of it!  
Neelix: Wha--? Captain?  
Janeway: Yes, Neelix, you're all right now.  
Neelix (alarmed): Where's that Borg?  
Tuvok: What Borg are you referring to?  
Neelix (standing up): For Pete's sake, Mister Vulcan, there's only one on board!  
Chakotay: You mean Seven.  
Neelix: Darn right, I mean Seven! She dragged me out of bed in the middle of the night and forced me to make tons of meatloaf for her all day!  
Janeway: Meatloaf?  
Neelix: Yes, I made her some yesterday, and, apparently, all that protein was too much for her because it made that Borg flower thing pop out of her face and...  
Chakotay: Neelix, calm down, you're rambling.  
Neelix: The point is, I think she's on an assimilation trip. Ensign Throwaway came in for a cup of coffee, and the first thing she did was stick him with those assimilation tubes in her hand. Well, after that, Throwaway turned into one of those awful Borg, then screamed in pain and terror, then imploded into thin air!  
Chakotay: Just like Ensign D'Sposable.  
Janeway (very alarmed, hitting communicator): Janeway to Kim.  
Kim: Go ahead.  
Janeway: What's the latest on those microfractures?  
Kim: No change, Captain. We get one under control and three more form.  
Janeway: Harry, I want you to run a level-three subspace scan on this dimension.  
Kim: Yes, Captain, I'll get right on it.  
Janeway: I mean now, Ensign.  
Kim (on the Bridge, shaken, not stirred): Yes, ma'am, running scan.  
(A few seconds pass.)  
Kim: That's odd, I can't find the subspace boundary layer. It's like it's not there.  
Janeway: Just as I suspected. Janeway to Paris.  
Paris: Yes, Captain?  
Janeway: Get the ship ready for liftoff, we've got to go back through the refraction.  
Paris: Captain?  
Janeway: I'll explain later, we can't stay here.  
Paris: Yes, Captain.  
Neelix: I- I don't understand, Captain. What's going on?  
Janeway: Let me just say that, the reason Harry couldn't find the subspace boundary layer is because, in this dimension, there isn't one. Subspace doesn't exist here.  
Tuvok: But, Captain, subspace is an integral part of three-dimensional space. How can it not exist here?  
Janeway: Because this isn't three-dimensional space. My guess is that it only has two dimensions.  
Steve: Um, guys?  
Chakotay: But, how is this related to the disappearances of D'Sposable and Throwaway?  
Janeway: Because three-dimensional objects can't exist in two-dimensional space. That's the reason microfractures are destroying the ship's hull. If we don't leave, the crew is just going to keep disappearing, until there's no one left. And, then, the ship, itself, will eventually vanish.  
Steve: Yoo-hoo, guys!  
Tuvok: What is it, Mister Sutton?  
Steve: This is all very fascinating, and all, but I've got a parody to write.  
Tuvok: Understood. Captain, I suggest we move things along.  
Janeway: Agreed.  
Chakotay: There's still the matter of the people on the surface, Captain.  
Janeway (turning to Neelix): Neelix, do you feel up to an away mission?  
Neelix: Ready and willing to serve, as always, Captain.  
Janeway: Good. Tuvok, find Seven and restrain her. Whatever you do, don't let her get off the ship. Chakotay, Neelix, come with me.  
(Everybody leaves the mess hall.)  
-----  
COMMERCIAL BREAK 

-NEXT TIME, ON STAR TREK: VOYAGER-  
Kim (yelling): It's coming!  
-A TIME LOOP TRAPS THE CREW OF THE USS VOYAGER...-  
Kim (yelling): It's coming!  
-...IN ONE FULL HOUR OF BLOOD-CURDLING HORROR-  
Kim (yelling): It's coming!  
-ONLY THEY'RE NOT ALONE-  
Janeway: No. It's here.  
Barney (singing): I love you, you love me...  
-DON'T MISS THE PURPLE HORROR, NEXT TIME ON STAR TREK: VOYAGER-  
-----  
(In Springfield, a large crowd is gathering around Voyager. Janeway, Chakotay and Neelix walk down the plankway from the cargo bay and stop to address the crowd.)  
Janeway (stepping forward): People of Earth, greetings. I am Kathryn Janeway.  
Abe: What?  
Jasper: She said she's masturbatin'. Take the cotton out of your ears.  
Abe: What?  
Janeway: We came here on a mission of exploration, but our ship was badly damaged during the journey...  
Bart: Whoa, Lis', can you believe this is really happening?  
Lisa: I have to admit, it takes some getting use to the idea that aliens would actually land in our quaint, little town, but, yeah.  
Janeway: We are not from another planet, but from Earth, just like you...  
Lisa: I knew it!  
Janeway: Only from another dimension and a different time...  
Bart: See?  
Lisa: Rats.  
Moe (shouting to Janeway): So, you're not gonna eat us, then?  
Janeway (shocked): Why, of course not. Why would you even think that?  
Moe: Well, you're aliens, aren't ya?  
Chakotay: As we've already told you, we're human, just like you. And, even as we speak, we're preparing to leave.  
Moe: So, you're just gonna come down here, crush our statue and leave, huh? Yeah, well, I don't think so, you alien bastards!  
Neelix: Please, sir, I'm sure we can...  
Moe: And what are you suppose to be? If you're so human, why do you look like something the cat threw up?  
Janeway: Cat?  
Moe: And, answer me this: why do you have five fingers?!  
(The crowd gasps.)  
Barney: They're aliens! Let's get'em!  
(Barney burps. The crowd turns nasty and starts crowding in on the away team.)  
Chakotay: Captain, I think this would be a good time for a hasty retreat.  
Janeway: I agree, let's go.  
(Janeway, Chakotay and Neelix run up the plankway and close it behind them. The crowd starts banging on Voyager with sticks, baseball bats and whatever else is available. A few minutes later, the trio arrives on the Bridge.)  
Paris: So, how did it go, Captain?  
Janeway: Let's just say nobody got hurt. Get us out of here, Tom.  
Paris: Yes, ma'am.  
(The thrusters fire, lifting Voyager into the air. Several people are scalded by the heat.)  
Barney (running around in circles): Ow! It burns! It burns!  
Bart (watching Voyager's ascent): Ya know, Lis', it's a shame and all they had to leave. Something tells me we would've had one HELL of an adventure.  
Lisa: Well, you never know, Bart. Maybe, they'll come back, one of these days.  
Bart (smiling): Hey, yeah...  
(They both watch as Voyager roars off into the sunset. The next day, everything is back to normal. The ship is back on the other side of the refraction and repairs are underway. In Sickbay, Janeway, Neelix and Tuvok are standing by as the Doctor injects Seven of Nine with a hypospray. Seven regains consciousness and looks up at the Doctor.)  
Doctor: There, there, Seven. Just lie still.  
Seven: What happened?  
Doctor: You just had a bad reaction to protein and tried to assimilate everybody, that's all. Now, relax, give your body a chance to recuperate.  
(Seven looks over at Neelix.)  
Seven: Neelix, I must apologize for my behavior. I do not understand why I acted in such an unacceptable manner.  
Neelix (stepping closer to the bio-bed): Oh, don't give it a second thought, Seven. You just get well so you can get back to your duties.  
Seven: I will, and thank you. However, in all honesty, I have to inform you that your meatloaf sucks. I would not recommend that you continue serving it.  
Neelix: Well, I'll keep that in mind. Captain.  
(Neelix leaves Sickbay.)  
Janeway (stepping over to Seven's side): Well, it would seem that our little homecoming wasn't all that it was cracked up to be.  
Seven: I'm sure we will find another way home, Captain.  
Tuvok: In the words of one of Earth's greatest poets, 'we shall not cease from exploration and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time'.  
Seven: I understand.  
Janeway: Well, that certainly applies in our case. Come on, Tuvok. Let's let Seven get some rest.  
(Janeway and Tuvok exit Sickbay, leaving Seven of Nine to ponder those words.) 

THE END


End file.
